Session #1: Being true to myself

On how a crisis helped me be more authentic.

I never thought my first post would be about a difficult moment. I actually didn’t know what I wanted to write about. Yesterday I read a post from

Caroline Cala Donofrio

and she said that it really doesn’t matter what you write about. The thing is to venture (part of the word “adventure”) and just begin. So here I go…

Today, I had what I would call a crisis at home. I mean, it was more specifically a crisis for me as a mom and a partner. Because these “jobs” or roles don’t come with instructions or guidelines, and we definitely don’t have a supervisor telling us if we are doing okay or not. It’s just you and your conscience.

I mean, you can start looking for feedback from your parents, friends, siblings, your counselor (been there, done that). But in the end, I always end up following other people’s advice and feeling disheartened about my own judgment. Like I don’t have what it takes to be a good mom, to make a good decision. And it sucks.

I had an appointment with my counselor yesterday, and we talked about this “weakness” I feel of not knowing what to do, especially as a mom, when things get hard. I explained to her I constantly feel blinded by my way of trying to see everything through pink glasses. That continuous search for seeing the good in everything sometimes plays against me because it makes me avoid facing challenges and hard times. Specifically, I avoid facing them with nothing else than my own convictions. So today, when the crisis happened, I felt anxious. My brain immediately tried to do what it always does: seek help outside (in others) and grasp for some advice or direction. But this time I couldn’t do it. And don’t you think it was because I restrained myself to do it. I tried, for like 5 minutes, and then I started calling everyone. But no one answered… no one picked up the phone or texted me back. And in that moment, I realized I would have to face the situation on my own. No guidance, no kind or harsh words… nothing. Just me and my feelings, emotions, ideas, anxiety, uncertainty, and low blood pressure (just an additional consequence of the situation).

I am not going to say now, with my pink glasses on, that it was the best thing that ever happened. It wasn’t. I struggled and felt bad. I didn’t know where to start, how to organize my ideas and face the problem. Should I express myself fully, or should I try to say things nicely? Who should I take parts with? How do I really feel about this? What is the outcome that I want? These may sound like silly questions, and for sure, I should have thought about all of this way before and not in the middle of the crisis. But it is what it is, and that was my reality.

I don’t have a secret recipe for how I got to the answers to my questions. And I can’t tell you that how I handled things after was perfect or 100% my convictions. But just the fact of facing the situation entirely with my ideas and my decisions has changed something in me. I feel on my way to getting to that point when I can say that I live by my own convictions and fully respect my own ideas and desires. And this doesn’t mean I will be narrow-minded and avoid listening to anyone’s opinion. It means I will have the clarity to discern from what others say and what I truly believe in and consciously decide what I want to do. Just for the sake of being true to myself.

Ok, that was me. Phew! I feel lighter after writing this. And now it’s your turn.

The idea of this Margarita Club is to have a space where we can share our concerns, pleasures, doubts, ideas, and desires as women. Maybe you resonate with this story and want to give me your advice (I will read it, but can’t promise to follow it) or share your own story. The goal is the connection. One of the things that I like the most in life is that exact moment when I share a personal story with another woman, and she connects with my story and resonates with it. It’s a feeling of connection and understanding. A community that makes me feel at home. So, I crave those moments. Those enlightening and heart-warming instances when I feel we are all in the same boat. We are all one.

Take a sip and let’s start the conversation / Photo by Brian Jones on Unsplash

Thank you for reading and see you in the next session.

Shine Bright

Eileen